thanksgiving.

thanksgiving.

the american holiday for giving thanks.

but im sure you know, that like all major holidays, festivals, and celebrations - it is one steeped in blood.

the death of thousands of indians and pilgrims lives on in this holiday, yet we celebrate with turkey, or tofurkey for taste.

yum.

think about it, all holidays, from christmas to easter, from thanksgiving to birthdays, are all holidays steeped in blood and pain.

birthdays begin in rivers of blood and pain unimaginable to men.

and christ rose from the death of crucifixion on easter

except now we've changed the red blood to red ribbons, and physical pain to emotional ones.

but it remains the same.

the same sacrifice, the same pain, the same evils of humanity, nicely packaged in ribbons, bows and wrapping paper.

so im wondering why im not thankful.

i have a wonderful life,

a wonderful family,

wonderful friends,

a wonderful girl,

and a wonderful life ahead of me - so they say.

but why am i not thankful like i should be?

or is it that behind every celebration is a little bit of blood, a little bit of pain, and a little bit of suffering?

i don't know.

maybe when you question everything, and challenge life way too much, or when you have a brain the size of a planet you spend too much time sweating the little things.

who knows?

but irregardless, happy thanksgiving everyone.

ps. god, if you think this is bad, wait til christmas.

let go and cum with me.

Such boundless pleasure

We've no time for later

Now you can't await

your own arrival

you've twenty seconds to comply

- basically what she's saying here is to just fuck me now, and come quickly.

So, let go, so let go

Jump in

Oh well, what you waiting for?

It's alright

'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

So, let go, yeah let go

Just get in

Oh, it's so amazing here

It's all right

'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

- What this song says is that sometimes there is beauty in the destruction, the end of things.

and sometimes its worthwhile to just forget consequence and the future, to just fall into bed right now.

because theres beauty in the breakdown.

so jump in with me.

playing hide and seek with myself.

Mmmm whatcha say,

i find that im losing my way, with words.

like word vomit, i cant keep things in sometimes.

and i make things worse when i mean to make things better

Mmm that you only meant well?

i do mean well,

but there are things i shouldnt say to people

lies i shouldnt tell

truths i shouldnt speak

well of course you did

yes, of course

because i wear my heart on my sleeve

and play my cards too far from my chest

Mmmm that it's all for the best?

well i think that lifes better when you have no secrets

dont you?

of course it is

but there are secrets i keep

that i wont/cant/will never tell a soul.

and things, memories i hate to have in my head but i cant get rid of.

ever.

Mmmm whatcha say?

im just broken.

im not sure what im supposed to do - theres no walkthrough, map, or guide book to life.

'there is always a choice' but what happens when you make the wrong one?

you have to live in regret.

that it's just what we need

i dont want that!

i cant have that, to live wondering where i went wrong

or if i went right.

how do i live with choices im not sure are wrong or right?

you decided this

yes, i did.

but i would have liked it if you had taken that decision out of my hands..

but life doesnt work like that.

whatcha say?

and now i have to live with what ive done, because people rarely get second chances.

and never get thirds.

i have to learn how to pick up, and move on from this sliver of space

occupied by two bodies, entwined in bedsheets and mistakes.

Mmmm what did she say?

she didnt say anything,

which is why im here having a conversation with a song.

but it was a lot of help,

thanks.

how i met...

twenty one.

im in my twenties, good gosh.

what the fuck have i done with my life so far?

the answer:

not enough.

sigh, but im too lazy, complacent and busy to do anything about it,

but im also running out of excuses.

im already feeling like im in a rut, and that is just way too fast to happen.

im boring, and im bored.

good gosh, is this the early life crisis?

tonight i saw a shooting star,

it glowed green, sparked red, and burned blue,

as it streaked across the sky.

it was one of the most profound and beautiful things ive ever seen,

yet i had noone special there to share it with.

as patrick says

'we are never alone, just by ourselves a lot of the time'

happy birthday, happy birthday to me..

transitional aptitude.

im in a transitional phase

moving from one time to another,

one personality to another,

one being to another,

one other to another.

it feels akin to a being in chrysalis

im a worm, a dirty, disgusting worm

that needs to twist, turn, fight, scream and grow.

i need to push, and push the ichor into my wings

til i burst out into the light.

this is the part where i make mistakes

im too tired to fight it

too tired to push myself anymore

or try too hard to do that

im kinda messing up a lot of aspects of my life,

because im like a pat of butter on a loaf of bread - spread too damn thin.

hah, the only way in which im thin i guess.

but i feel the change coming,

like a wave you see coming.

what people don't realise about waves is that they make the water deeper when they hit

and its up to you to see if you sink or swim.

its all how you take the wave crashing over you.

sadly, im too tired to push the ichor in.

i might just end up a crippled little butterfly.

i think i already am.

So don't let the world bring you down.

Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold.

Remember why you came and while you're alive

experience the warmth before you grow old.

j-j-j-jaded.

i've realised, im sadly jaded.

for a while now, i've left... unable to love.

unable to feel things.

unable to trust.

unable to give myself to another person the way i have always wanted to, the way i have always done before.

but now i realise that perhaps this isn't the case.

yes, i'm jaded.

yes, i'm kind of a dick.

and yes, i don't really believe in love anymore.

but a conversation with a girl made me realise that maybe this doesn't have to be the case.

maybe the problem isn't with me,

but the girls i'm trying to love.

the girls i've tried to date have run the gamut from crazy to fucked up.

i tend to think that the fallen ones will save me.

and it is true that the crazy ones are good in bed.

but three abortions and compulsive lying isn't a good thing, no matter how you spin it

"hey, it just means she's good in bed"

"or maybe she's a good actress"

but when you end up lying out of your teeth to just get laid

or get what you think you want,

you're in a bad place and as you say:

'i'll rot in hell for this'.

but i know i don't deserve the fire because at the end of the day and deep down enough,

im actually pretty damn nice.

and that doesn't mean i'll lose or finish last.

it just means i won't settle for sloppy seconds

and that eventually i'll get the girl.

so i'm going back, back to california

back to who i was

and back to what i was doing.

i think its been time.

i think its been enough and i've tried and tested the waters enough

and i've taken a break from reality for long enough.

its time to get my head back in the game.

2 years?

fuck that, lets have three cheers for 2 years.

and its time to motherfucking jump.

so maybe im not jaded.

and maybe the worlds not as dark a place as i imagined it to be

and maybe fairytales do come through.

but i know, i feel, like i'm ready to start loving and trusting again.

i know what the problem was, and it sure as hell wasn't me.

a friend asked me 'what do you think you're doing?'

and it killed me to say 'i don't know'.

dollhouse.

i would love that;

to buy you a house,

stock the fridge with champagne

and cover the bed with rose petals

and line the walls with scented candles.

but houses crumble in california quakes,

too much champagne makes you sick,

rose petals wilt, curl and rot,

and candles burn.

that is why i will not.

I want a lover I don't have to love

I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck

Where's the kid with the chemicals?

I thought he said to meet him here but I'm not sure

I've got the money if you've got the time

You said it feels good

I said, "I'll give it a try."

the dao of st paul.

i cant wait til i get this album in the mail - im SO excited.

this song makes me shiver in my bones, and thats just the fucking lyrics.

i haven't even heard the goddamn song yet, and i refuse to until i get the album.

third eye blind is ace.

In this night, I need to call you but all the lines are blown.

If only you knew, how empty I feel.

But maybe then you're lonely too,

and it's tearing through you like a punctured wound.

Maybe no one knows what to do.

When we know we're alone in a temporary home.

Maybe we'll realize that's a blessing in disguise.

A blessing in disguise.

Well don't you know the sound of anger brings a dark result.

And every insult is like a lightning bolt.

So go home now, oh yeah,

you don't have one, to some guy that you don't know.

And make a baby, but that won't change my problem though.

I spent the last three years setting myself on fire for you.

I spent the last three years never knowing if what you say is true.

And it'll be this way until one of us dies.

Is that a blessing in disguise?

It's a blessing in disguise.

Well I confess that so far happiness eludes me in my life.

You better hurry up if its ever to be mine.

Better hurry up now if we're ever gonna find, what we're living for.

If it's not you, anymore.

I'll learn,

To sing:

Evermore, rejoice.